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SHADOWS & LIGHTS

MY LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT

This week while I sat in front of my computer thinking of what could I write this week when I remembered one of the mails I received earlier this week and said “Ahaaa this should be it.”

13 July 2014 Sunday 00:36
by ÖZNUR ÇEVİK

This week while I sat in front of my computer thinking of what could I write this week when I remembered one of the mails I received earlier this week and said “Ahaaa this should be it.”

Dear ones if I had read Cheryl Robinson’s newsletter 12 years ago (before getting divorced), I think my life would really be very different.

Cheryl, a lady whom I admire because of her wisdom, knowledge and inspirational works
wrote her newsletter after attending one of her friend’s wedding. It is so well written and so wise, showing her followers great perspective of marriage that I felt I should definitely share with my readers.

“….Yesterday, Michael and I went to a beautiful, seaside wedding off the coast of Maine.  Our friends had chosen the most spectacular setting on a bay overlooking islands, ferry boats, and late night fireworks.

During the ceremony, as Michael and I sat listening to the vows the bride and groom had written for each other, I was transported back in time to our own outdoor wedding seventeen years earlier. 

I smiled to myself as I recalled the sweet memory of that day.

Hearts filled with good intentions...
The birth of a new family...
Promises to love, honor, and cherish no matter what...

Ahhhh, the innocence of early love!

But then life happens.

And you quickly discover that this magical mystery ride called "relationship" is filled with experiences you never in a million years could have planned for.

The vows break.
The music stops.
The honeymoon ends.

And that's when the real commitment starts, ushering in the process of falling in love. 

But only if you're willing to do the work.

When the truth of what it means to build a life together unfolds, you soon realize that the best of intentions pales in comparison to what's required for a partnership to flourish.

Nothing has forced me to grow more than my marriage to Michael. And nothing has brought me more joy.

Ok, back to the wedding.

Staring at the silhouette of our friends against the summer blue sky, I thought about the vows I'd write today given the history, experience, and maturity gained from more than twenty years of being together. 

Here's what the vows would sound like now...

First and foremost, I'd vow to do my best to remember that marriage is a spiritual partnership divinely designed to teach us about love - how to love each other and ourselves - so we can share that love with the world.  

I'd promise to keep the higher vision of this partnership in mind, especially when things get hard.

Because they will.

During tough times, I'd vow to come to the table, heart in hand, ego checked at the door, ready to listen and learn, knowing that the greater good of our marriage is far more important than getting my way.

I'd promise to create a habit of remembering five things I love about Michael before entering into scary and hard conversations that are sure to push my buttons.

I'd commit to always look for the role I play in any mess we happen to find ourselves in, and be willing to do what it takes to heal so I can become a more loving and respectful partner. This healing work is rarely, if ever, done alone.  So I'd also commit to getting whatever help we need.

I'd vow to look for things, big and small, to appreciate about Michael every day - and to share this information with him because I now know that people grow with love and appreciation, not criticism and nastiness. (Note to self: do this more often!)

I'd commit to learning how to be big enough to admit when I'm wrong and to apologize even when I think I'm right.

If the idea of apologizing even when you think you're right bugs you, please go back to vow #1.

I'd pledge to cultivate the necessary patience needed to travel the winding path of partnership so we're not tempted to put Band-Aids on wounds that need surgery.

Finally, I'd vow to revisit these promises every year on our anniversary, in order to update them.

Because they'll need it. 

The evolution of any relationship requires regular upgrades to Love's operating system.”.

If I had the wisdom to see that marriage is a spiritual partnership divinely designed to teach us about love - how to love each other and ourselves - so we can share that love with the world I really think I would have a very different life now.

However, a divorce is a lesson to learn how to live as a single mother, how to rise from your ashes and create a new life and how to handle tough times. And I never ever will say “I wish….” So what is done is done and of course we need to look ahead.

But those of you who are married might want to sit for a minute and think of what Cheryl is saying about marriage.

Until next week keep cool and healthy!


Tags: MY LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT, MY, LIFE, WOULD, BE, DIFFERENT
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